Self-Compassion: Healing the ADHD Narrative

As a community, we spend a lot of time talking about the struggles of ADHD. And for good reason, many people’s challenges went unnoticed or were outright dismissed. When they did speak up, they were told their problems weren’t real, that they were faking it, or that they just needed to try harder because “everyone has those issues.” As a result, people with ADHD often grow up under a cloud of constant criticism.

Some researchers estimate that by the time a child with ADHD turns twelve, they’ll have received 20,000 more negative messages than a neurotypical peer. Let that sink in.

Over time, those negative messages pile up. Children begin to believe that they’re too much, too loud, incapable, broken, or simply unlovable. These narratives take root and follow them into adulthood, quietly shaping how they see themselves. Is it any surprise that ADHD is so often accompanied by depression and anxiety?

While awareness campaigns are now highlighting the damage that comes from shaming kids for symptoms they can’t control, many adults with ADHD are still left dealing with the aftermath. So how do we begin to heal?

The First Step: Self-Compassion

Healing starts with how we talk to ourselves. Practicing self-compassion means learning to respond to your struggles with the same kindness and empathy you would show a friend. It’s not about making excuses for being late, forgetting appointments, or acting impulsively; it’s about changing your inner dialogue when those things happen.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is offering yourself the same understanding and support you’d give someone you care about. It’s recognizing that imperfection is a universal human experience, not a personal failure. It’s about staying mindful of your emotions without being consumed by them.

This mindset shift allows you to challenge the deeply rooted negative beliefs that may have been reinforced for decades.

An Example

Here’s a scenario: when a friend is late, you might think, “They probably hit traffic or had something come up. No big deal.” But when you are late, the voice in your head says, “You’re so inconsiderate. Why can’t you get it together? No one will want to keep being friends with someone who disrespects their time.”

What if, instead, you said:
“Yes, I’m late again. Time blindness is a real ADHD challenge, and even though I tried, it still happened. My friends know I’m not trying to be disrespectful, it’s just part of how my brain works. That doesn’t make it okay to keep being late, but it also doesn’t make me a bad person. Let’s figure out a solution: maybe I can add two reminders, one for when to start getting ready and one for when to leave. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try something else. Life is hard, but I’m strong. I got this. Now let’s get to the party by driving safely rather than speeding because you’re late, and enjoy the evening.”

Why It Works

Negative self-talk feeds the very monsters that the world handed us, and now it’s our job to quiet them. Harsh internal criticism actually impairs cognitive performance, affecting concentration, problem-solving, and executive functioning. In other words, the more we continue those same criticisms internally the harder we make it to create positive changes. Negative self-talk keeps us stuck in the same patterns, getting the same results.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, does the opposite. It opens up creative problem-solving, helps you access your strengths, and improves focus. Studies in positive psychology show that when we focus on our strengths rather than our deficits, our performance improves across the board. It allows us the opportunity to re-wire our brains to create new patterns.

Real-Life Results

When I started practicing self-compassion, I stopped saying, “I’ll just try harder next time,” because, let’s be honest, that strategy had already failed me. Instead, I first gave myself understanding, that it was really hard to keep track of time. I then named what was going on “time blindness and ADHD”. I allowed myself to feel the frustration and helpless that can come with having a brain that just doesn’t work like everyone else’s. I gave myself some encouragement that I’ve already done a lot with ADHD and I’ve managed to be on time for things before. I reminded myself that I need to work with my brain rather than against it. I know that when I try to estimate time, my brain lies to me when it says that it can get something done within a certain time frame. I needed to accept that quirk of faulty cognition and add in extra time. I also needed to make sure that I held my brain accountable for its quirks by writing down a leave time rather than a simple appointment time. This accounted for the second piece of the puzzle, that while I may know consciously I need to give myself more time, the lack of impulse control would mean I’d try and push the time back the day of the appointment. The next time I needed to leave my house by 3:00 pm. I wrote “Leave at 2:45 PM” in my calendar, so that I’d actually be ready to walk out the door by 3:00.

That small shift worked. My brain eventually learned that I don’t teleport to the car, I need a 15-minute buffer to gather myself, switch the laundry, or wash that one lone cup in the sink before leaving. Apparently, neurotypical people just know this. For me, it took practice and grace.

But I wouldn’t have come to that solution if I was too busy beating myself up.

In Closing

Even if self-compassion doesn’t solve the problem immediately, it’s still better than sitting in shame and anxiety. After all, as in the above example, there it wasn’t just a matter of time-blindness, there was also a level of impulse control that influenced my decisions in the moment.

Over time, self-compassion creates space for healing, clarity, and sustainable change.

So try it. You are worthy of empathy. You are worthy of understanding and by giving yourself that compassion, solutions may be nearer than you think. Life with ADHD is hard, but you’ve made it this far. You’re doing better than you think. And I believe in you.